The thing is as medical students, we're not allowed to be tired. We're just not. We have to keep going just like the damn energizer bunny even if all we really want to do is curl up in a ball and just lay still. We rarely have time to do that. We hardly have time for ourselves and our thoughts and our feelings. Sometimes it feels like we don't even have time to breathe.

I used to love me time a lot. I usually take the opportunity to have time for myself whenever I can, and that used to be almost all the time. Recently though, I can't seem to fit it in my schedule. I can't even have 5 minutes of absolute nothingness. I can't. Don't get me wrong, we still are people who have lives. We still see our friends even if it is once in a blue moon, we go to movies whenever we have free time, we spend time with our family once in awhile. But whenever it's hell week, all hell really does break loose.

Secondly, I miss doing a lot of things. I miss wanting to do something and being able to do it. I miss being spontaneous and totally random. Whenever I do think of something I want to do, I realize that I have no time to do it or if I do have time to do it, I'd think that that time is best used for my studies. I get random calls from my friends on a Saturday night asking me what I'm doing and that I should follow because they're someplace near drinking. And I answer almost always that I'm here in Cavite studying for a test 2 weeks from now. It's sad isn't it?

I miss my family. It's been 2 weeks since I've seen them, and that really does eat me up inside. I absolutely hate not being able to attend family events, even the most minor ones. I've missed out on so many every since the start of the school year and I wish I hadn't.

I do realize that we all have priorities in life. Of course it varies and comes in different forms. A parent would always put her family first. A club owner would prioritize his/her parties, a basket ball player will prioritize going to the gym and practicing his body out. A medical student prioritizes her studies over drinking, over friends, and sometimes over herself. It's just the way it is. Some people are blessed to get paid for doing what they love to do. Others aren't so lucky.

After all that ranting I have come to my third and final conclusion, I am here because I want to be here. I don't have to be here, but I want to. There's a big difference.

I do tell myself that I chose this path. I chose to do this. Whenever I'm studying for 6 hours straight, I pause once in awhile and try remember why I'm doing this again. Why I want to be what I want to be. And then I resume my toxic brain rape for another 4 hours or so.

I do love what I do, don't get me wrong. But I am allowed to get tired, and to rant, and to feel lonely and stupid at times. It's just not very human if you don't. Sometimes I wish for inspiration, something to make me go "Okay, I can do this. Believe in me and I can." Of course there's always family. Family always always keeps me going. And of course there's prayer and Jess. But also I do wish for love. An inspiration to keep me going. Someone who actually understands (or at least tries to understand) the shit I'm going through, and be selfless and be like "Trina, I know you don't have time for me...but that's okay. This is your dream, go for it."

I need that sometimes. It's just too complicated I guess. And that's fine most of the time. Just sometimes, sometimes I wish I could just pick up the phone and call and feel at home after a long day of Anatomy, biochemistry, Physiology etc.

I have to remember that I chose to be in a profession that requires discipline and determination. I chose to be in a place where sleeping seems to be a sin, because that time you used to sleep could've been used for studying instead. I chose a future profession where for the moment, I have no money to spend for myself when all the rest of my friends are working, getting their own place and giving back to their family.

Yes those things I've mentioned bring me down more often then not, but I also always always always tell myself the following. Even if it'll take me twice the time to feel better about what I'm doing, even if I'm tired and alone, and lonely. I tell myself that I chose to be in a profession that helps people in the long run. I chose a profession where I can actually save lives, and cure a person who is sick. I chose to enter a journey which in the future, I will be content because there's nothing like having a life less for myself and more for others.

I try to stay positive, and I always give myself a reason. And despite the fact that the reasons to quit outnumbers the reasons for me to stay... my 25 reasons for staying where I am right now are far more greater and absolutely more awesome and fulfilling than my 1 million reasons to go.

I guess all I really need to do sometimes is to breathe...just breathe. Oh, and remember the fact that saving a life is always a super cool thing to be able to do.

Now that that's out of my chest, I shall go back to studying :)