All heart.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

♥ Here's to being a year older.

Happy birthday to me :)

CHEERS!

Labels: birthday, June 14, Trina Lorenzana

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

♥ I'm writing a letter of some sort.

Tonight, as of 9:27pm I have finally finished a book from cover to cover after weeks of trying to get my hands on it.

"Dear John," the letter read. And with those two words, a heart was broken and two lives changed forever.

Let's write you a letter.

I immediately wanted to write something after reading it, so here I am pouring my thoughts onto my 14" Compaq.

How should I describe a book such as this one? I've never really written a book review with much consideration. Not until I was in high school of course when we needed to do it for class. I've always been a lover of books, and always in my vocabulary means ever since I was in high school. Maybe it was due to the poems we were required to read, or the short stories that we discussed in class...I can't quite pin point the exact reason or time, but ever since then I've been a “bookaholic”

DEAR JOHN.

I guess it's safe to say that it was different. I can’t seem to classify it as a typical love story, but at the same time it somewhat fits into that category. A not so typical love story meaning it only happens to a quarter of a margin of people living on this earth, but typical in a sense that it's possible to have happened in fiction, on paper, in hopes and in dreams. I'm not going to give away too much, especially because I'm sure a lot of you are planning to read this book because of the film about to be released. But I do want to say a few things.

The book, was very Nicholas Sparks. He always had a mind that worked in a way that could conjure scenarios that make people (especially girls) go “I wish for a love exactly like that.” He was the first author that actually touched my heart, made it ache, make me want to cry and laugh at the same time and of course believe in love. He made my tear ducts dry up after reading “A walk to remember”, believe in old love with “Nights in Rodanthe”, trust time with it’s healing powers in “Message in a Bottle”, and of course simply believe in good old L.O.V.E. with his ever romantic “The Notebook”. Hell he was even the first man who made my dad cry by the pool side while reading the last book I mentioned.

Did I like it? For the most part, I did. It touched me in just the right places and was able to re-surface just the right emotions. It didn’t strike me too much as maudlin or over rated. It was lukewarm, and wonderful. I’ve somewhat have been a believer of love at first sight and having read about the love story of John and Savannah has made it easier to do so. In real life, I hardly hear stories which start with “When we locked eyes, I knew instantly…” or “Yes, it was truly love at first sight.” So having read this book gives me a little bit of hope that it might be possible to have something like it or at least something to that effect.

After reading this book, it made me realize a couple of reasons why I love to read. I do feel bad (I’m not sure if it’s the right word) for people who think of reading as a task rather than as leisure. I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. But as a lover of books it amazes me how a story, an author or even just one line from a chapter of a book can transport you to different places. I love how different words can be strung together and evoke such strong emotions you never thought you’d have. By reading, I feel more human in a way where I realize to what extent something can affect me. I like testing myself at times, and discoveries are always good. So whenever something from a book strikes me, whether it may be a line, a paragraph, in the blurb or even in the dedication, I always pause and think about why it struck me. By doing this, I get to know myself more and realize where I stand in life.

It’s also nice to know that even if in reality some things are not achievable, it’s possible to just live vicariously through characters that have been made up by such talented authors. For at least a day or two, or a week even…you get lost in a world where anything is possible. You get to go on adventures, or suddenly have magical powers. You get to fall in love and dream and be different. It’s such a great catharsis, and of course an awesome way to exercise your mind and widen your vocabulary.

I’ve always known that I’ve read a good book when I can’t seem to part ways with it. It’s as if the end of the book signifies the end of my relationship with the characters. It’s the way I felt when Harry said goodbye to Clare in “The Time Travelers Wife” (Audrey Niffiniger), my heart broke the same time Erik’s did when Stargirl Callaway moved to another city in “Star Girl” and the way I wanted to be different and lovable during the final pages of “Love, Stargirl” (both by Jerry Spinelli). It’s the way I knew the words “For you a thousand times over” would affect me differently after reading “The Kite Runner” by Khaled Hosseini. How I was for certain that Noah and Allie would be together wherever they were, and yes even how Harry, Ron and Hermionie would be able to save the magical world. With a good book, Shakespear was right in saying “parting is such sweet sorrow.” It’s so hard to let go because the characters seem to have been part of your life, and when their heart breaks… yours does too. When they receive good news, its as if you want to jump for joy and celebrate with them.

I’m very glad that I had 2 days off my busy schedule to be able to read. And I’m happy as well that the book I chose didn’t disappoint me. I’m pretty excited for the movie, although I’m sure that there will be some slight differences. I’m just hoping that it doesn’t disappoint. It’s weird how the book is almost always so much better than the movie (except for P.S. I love you wherein both the book and movie were amazing). Anyway, Channing Tatum is there…at least there’s some eye candy J

I hope children now a days get the hang of reading. I hope that one day they get to feel the way I feel whenever I’m immersed in a good book.

I absolutely can’t wait to find another book, which will make it impossible for me to put down because of its awesomeness. I am waiting for the day when a line or a paragraph or the whole book will make my heart ache because I know that the ending is near. I can’t wait to find a good read that would distress me and make me feel all sorts of wonderful and beautiful.

Till then, I shall live in the memory of John and Savannah, bask in their love for each other and the their fondness for the full moon.

P.S. They had about 3 rain scenes too :)

The best kind of kisses.

Shut the door to the moon

And let the birds gather

Play no more with the fool

And let the souls wander

And bleed

From the soul

Labels: books, free time, full moon., life, love, nicholas sparks, Trina, wonderful

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

♥ How to save a life.

There's a line in a song by Anna Nalick that goes "...If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to" This is exactly how I'm feeling, which is why it inspired me to finally write in my blog after a long long time. It's time to let all my pent up frustrations go.

First of all, I am totally over my head. Over and above, and I'm tired, but I can't be tired. I still have 3 years to go, and in medical school, that just translates to 30 more years of studying, late night memorization, disappointments, and sometimes reasons to celebrate.

The thing is as medical students, we're not allowed to be tired. We're just not. We have to keep going just like the damn energizer bunny even if all we really want to do is curl up in a ball and just lay still. We rarely have time to do that. We hardly have time for ourselves and our thoughts and our feelings. Sometimes it feels like we don't even have time to breathe.

I used to love me time a lot. I usually take the opportunity to have time for myself whenever I can, and that used to be almost all the time. Recently though, I can't seem to fit it in my schedule. I can't even have 5 minutes of absolute nothingness. I can't. Don't get me wrong, we still are people who have lives. We still see our friends even if it is once in a blue moon, we go to movies whenever we have free time, we spend time with our family once in awhile. But whenever it's hell week, all hell really does break loose.

Secondly, I miss doing a lot of things. I miss wanting to do something and being able to do it. I miss being spontaneous and totally random. Whenever I do think of something I want to do, I realize that I have no time to do it or if I do have time to do it, I'd think that that time is best used for my studies. I get random calls from my friends on a Saturday night asking me what I'm doing and that I should follow because they're someplace near drinking. And I answer almost always that I'm here in Cavite studying for a test 2 weeks from now. It's sad isn't it?

I miss my family. It's been 2 weeks since I've seen them, and that really does eat me up inside. I absolutely hate not being able to attend family events, even the most minor ones. I've missed out on so many every since the start of the school year and I wish I hadn't.

I do realize that we all have priorities in life. Of course it varies and comes in different forms. A parent would always put her family first. A club owner would prioritize his/her parties, a basket ball player will prioritize going to the gym and practicing his body out. A medical student prioritizes her studies over drinking, over friends, and sometimes over herself. It's just the way it is. Some people are blessed to get paid for doing what they love to do. Others aren't so lucky.

After all that ranting I have come to my third and final conclusion, I am here because I want to be here. I don't have to be here, but I want to. There's a big difference.

I do tell myself that I chose this path. I chose to do this. Whenever I'm studying for 6 hours straight, I pause once in awhile and try remember why I'm doing this again. Why I want to be what I want to be. And then I resume my toxic brain rape for another 4 hours or so.

I do love what I do, don't get me wrong. But I am allowed to get tired, and to rant, and to feel lonely and stupid at times. It's just not very human if you don't. Sometimes I wish for inspiration, something to make me go "Okay, I can do this. Believe in me and I can." Of course there's always family. Family always always keeps me going. And of course there's prayer and Jess. But also I do wish for love. An inspiration to keep me going. Someone who actually understands (or at least tries to understand) the shit I'm going through, and be selfless and be like "Trina, I know you don't have time for me...but that's okay. This is your dream, go for it."

I need that sometimes. It's just too complicated I guess. And that's fine most of the time. Just sometimes, sometimes I wish I could just pick up the phone and call and feel at home after a long day of Anatomy, biochemistry, Physiology etc.

I have to remember that I chose to be in a profession that requires discipline and determination. I chose to be in a place where sleeping seems to be a sin, because that time you used to sleep could've been used for studying instead. I chose a future profession where for the moment, I have no money to spend for myself when all the rest of my friends are working, getting their own place and giving back to their family.

Yes those things I've mentioned bring me down more often then not, but I also always always always tell myself the following. Even if it'll take me twice the time to feel better about what I'm doing, even if I'm tired and alone, and lonely. I tell myself that I chose to be in a profession that helps people in the long run. I chose a profession where I can actually save lives, and cure a person who is sick. I chose to enter a journey which in the future, I will be content because there's nothing like having a life less for myself and more for others.

I try to stay positive, and I always give myself a reason. And despite the fact that the reasons to quit outnumbers the reasons for me to stay... my 25 reasons for staying where I am right now are far more greater and absolutely more awesome and fulfilling than my 1 million reasons to go.

I guess all I really need to do sometimes is to breathe...just breathe. Oh, and remember the fact that saving a life is always a super cool thing to be able to do.

Now that that's out of my chest, I shall go back to studying :)

Cause you can't jump the track,

we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

Labels: life, medicine, Medlife, songs. Anna nalick, Trina

Friday, November 27, 2009

♥ The one about being thankful.

I believe that I have to put a disclaimer in this entry before I begin.

I am 22 years old, a first year medical student, and is 100% (plus or minus 10%) Filipino.

With that said, here we go.

Yesterday (November 26, 2009), a holiday which I consider to be very important was celebrated by the other half of the world. It isn't a holiday which we Filipinos celebrate, because it just isn't part of our history. Although this is so, it's as important to me as it is to the Americans.

Yes, I'm talking about the holiday that's celebrated during the last Thursday of November...

Thanksgiving.

It all started when I was 7 years old, an airplane virgin who was about to embark on her first family trip which entailed more than 4 hours of flying time. I remember how much I dreamt about that day because my boring life was sure to be filled with fun activities that a normal 7 year old would love. There was Disneyworld and Universal Studios in Orlando, the FAO Schwartz in New York, Golden gate in San Francisco, random fun hotels in Las Vagas (sadly, no slot machine yet)... etc. etc. I'm sure you get the picture.

But out of all these activities, one of the most memorable ones happened in a place called Philadelphia.

Believe me when I say that I expected Philly to be the most boring state to visit. All we were going to do there was visit my Lola's sister (Tita Doya) and her American Husband (Uncle Charlie) whome I both adore deeply. We were going to stay there for a good week, and they had already arranged my 7 day stay. It included the words Apple picking, pumpking carving, and national parks. Sounds interesting right? Not really if you put yourself in my situation (7 years old and all). You would absolutely dread the very thought of this part of the vacation because you could actually die of boredome. Just imagine, no roller coasters to ride, no caramel covered apple candies, no autograph signing from Mickey and the gang! Just plain old picking fruits and vegetables.

So the first day in Philly came and went.

So did the second, and the third.

On the fourth day (the apple picking and pumpkin carving day), by late afternoon I was already tired from choosing apples and placing them in barrels, and carving sad faces on pumpkins. I swore to myself that I would never eat another piece of apple, or pumpkin till the day I died. I was dead set on crawling into bed and sleeping till it was time to leave for the next state. But as I was formulating my "escape" plan in my head, Tita Doya told me that she had prepared something special for me during dinner. All I kept thinking was, please don't let it it be apple strudel or pumpkin pie. I mean, what else would she have done with all those fruits and vegetables?

We were finally called from our room for dinner, and I was dragging my feet half expecting to see at least 3 kinds of apple dishes and 4 kinds of pumpkin pies. But as I entered their dining room, I was absolutely overwhelmed with what I saw.

Their dining table was filled with all sorts of Thanksgiving-y food! There were candied yams which were golden brown and slightly burnt. It was topped off with marshmallows that turned gooey and slid down the sides of the serving dish (just the way I like it). There were mashed potatoes with a hint of garlic and loads of butter which was served in a big bow. Right beside it was the stuffing made out of bread soaked in the turkey base, dried fruit, seasonings, and bread crumbs. Bread pudding made from scratch was already served on our plates individually. Soft rolls fresh out of the oven were placed in a weaved basket. Of course there was cranberry sauce which smelled heavenly, gravy and rice pilaf. And right smack in the center of it all... there was laying in all it's glory...a turkey that looked as if it weighed 10 pounds, oven baked to perfection.

It was beautiful.

And so my family explained how they wanted me to experience a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. They even told me about the Pilgrims and the Indinas, and yes...the famous rock, and how both exchanged a little bit about their culture.

Now I don't really remember the events which lead to this holiday. I don't even know if both parties had ended well. But I was sure, that from that day on...my family would be celebrating this holiday annually.

It was a nice feeling, seeing everyone laugh over good food and great company. We were all there exchanging stories, and memories. Each of us even gave a small speech about what we were thankful for. On that day, I was thankful for family and for my parents who were bent on taking me to Philadelphia. It ended up to be one of the best states in my own version of America's map.

I know you're thinking that it's not common to find a child experiencing a strong connection with her family at such a young age. But there I was, thinking about an escape plan 2 hours ago without knowing that the Thanksgiving dinner we were having would make me who I am today: A person who despite all the chaos in the world, does not forget to be thankful for what she has.

I think it's wonderful to have a holiday which will remind us to be grateful every now and then. It's so difficult now a days to find a single thing to be thankful for. With the busy lives that we lead (may it be with work or school or MEDSCHOOL!) and the problems we encounter, we find that it is so much easier to point out the mistakes and difficulties that we are faced with, rather than to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes we forget that there is beauty in the breakdown, that life has so much to offer, that we are loved, that we deserve to be loved, and that you're doing okay, because despite all the crappy things thrown at you...you are alive and is capable of doing good.

Let me give you a little bit of homework. After reading this entry, I'd like you to take a moment and think of at least ONE thing that you are greatful for (if you can think of five, or even a hundred...then all the better).

My name is Trina, I am 22 years old, a medical student and 100% (plus or minus 10%) Filipino.

I am thankful for:

1. My family
2. My friends
3. being able to follow my passion
4. For music
5. For life.

What're you thankful for?

P.S. Our desserts during dinner were pumpkin pie and apple strudel. No kidding. :)

-Trina Lorenzana

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Labels: holidays, thankful, Tradition, Trina

Saturday, August 1, 2009

♥ Let's play a love game.

A bridesmaid once said that

hard to get only works when you eventually give in.

TRUE THAT.

♥ The irredeemably screwed up.

Jenny: "It's been 10 years since Conner and I have... and when I see him again, I'm right back to where I was before.|

Brad: "You know my attending in med school used to say that doctors never actually break up, we just go on emission. We're naturally drawn to the most hopeless patients. The irredeemably screwed up, the terminal cases."

Really? Really? Now I'm not so sure how to handle that.

♥ It's time to draw the line.

"At some point, you will realize that you have done TOO MUCH already for someone, that the only next possible step to do... is to leave them ALONE.

STOP.

WALK AWAY.

it's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation.

What is really yours would eventually be yours. And what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

Pictures of you.
Pictures of me.